Sasha
Aug 29, 2014
Aug 27, 2014
The big reveal
Hi, my name is Linn and I'm fat.
I haven't always been fat, but since puberty came and slapped me in the face I have become bigger and bigger for each passing year, basically. So what?
There is nothing wrong with being fat. I know this, you (should) know this. In my heart I know this, but in my mind... That's another story.
I don't care what people look like, if they're fat, skinny, light, dark, or in between, old, young, able, disabled, tattooed, freckly, whatever. I don't care. As a general rule, I don't really care what I look like either. Or, more accurately, I don't WANT to care. But, if I'm brutally honest, I do care what I look like.
Why do I care? Not because I want to, not because it makes me happy. Quite the opposite. I care because society tells me to care, all the time, everywhere. Thinking about my appearance makes me unhappy. Why does it make me unhappy? Take a fucking guess. It makes me unhappy because everything tells me that I am wrong. The media, TV, movies, magazines, books, commercials, fashion, stores - EVERYTHING that I see tells me that I am wrong.
First off: I'm a woman. That's my first and biggest mistake in life - not being a man. There's not a whole lot I can (or want to) do about that, so I try to manage as well as I can. Secondly, as previously stated, I am fat. I have big boobs, a big tummy, thick legs, flabby arms, and more than one chin.
Thirdly, and this is terrible!!!, I'M NOT ON A DIET.
This is the most awful thing a fat person can say or do. For some reason, not constantly dieting and trying to conform to society's expectations of what is an acceptable appearance (N.B. acceptable, not just desirable) makes people mad. Like full-out angry. Thin people be like:
HOW DARE YOU TRY TO BE OKAY WITH YOUR LOOKS?!?!?!
Some of you may be thinking "oh, she's exaggerating, people aren't usually that hateful or mean". Guess what? They are. So many people are. A while back, I posted a picture on Instagram of some Disney princesses, drawn to look fat. I wrote something along the lines of "When is Disney going to make movies about fat girls?". What I was aiming for is the chance for fat children to watch movies where fat people aren't constantly ridiculed and made out to be non-desirable (not in a sexy way, obvi, since I'm talking about kids' movies). I want there to be representation and recognition, for fat children to be the hero of a story for once, and not the butt of a joke.
What kind of comments do you think I received? One or two positive ones from body positive people, and then a shitload of angry, negative, hateful ones. People were saying things like "how dare you advocate against healthy behaviour", "saying that it is okay to be fat is child abuse", "this is as bad as going to schools telling children that it is good to smoke", "Disney princesses need to be able to ride horses, shoot arrows and stuff, fat people can't do that". One of the commenters was a woman who was studying to become a doctor. She was absolutely furious with me and my post, saying really mean things to me and about fat people. I also got a lot of comments from men, telling me their views on fat people. Like I asked for your fucking opinions? Douche bags.
For me, trying to be and love myself while society tells me I'm wrong is a constant struggle. I have low self-esteem, and I doubt myself and my worth on a daily basis. I try to work at my feelings of confidence and self-worth, but man, is it a steep hill or what?
I will blog more about being fat, fat shaming, body acceptance and body positivity in the future, because I have a lot to say on the subject. Now I'm off to play Skyrim, a place where I can do fantastic things that I can't do in real life, and where I am a strong, confident warrior woman!
Stay shiny people! :)
I haven't always been fat, but since puberty came and slapped me in the face I have become bigger and bigger for each passing year, basically. So what?
There is nothing wrong with being fat. I know this, you (should) know this. In my heart I know this, but in my mind... That's another story.
I don't care what people look like, if they're fat, skinny, light, dark, or in between, old, young, able, disabled, tattooed, freckly, whatever. I don't care. As a general rule, I don't really care what I look like either. Or, more accurately, I don't WANT to care. But, if I'm brutally honest, I do care what I look like.
Why do I care? Not because I want to, not because it makes me happy. Quite the opposite. I care because society tells me to care, all the time, everywhere. Thinking about my appearance makes me unhappy. Why does it make me unhappy? Take a fucking guess. It makes me unhappy because everything tells me that I am wrong. The media, TV, movies, magazines, books, commercials, fashion, stores - EVERYTHING that I see tells me that I am wrong.
First off: I'm a woman. That's my first and biggest mistake in life - not being a man. There's not a whole lot I can (or want to) do about that, so I try to manage as well as I can. Secondly, as previously stated, I am fat. I have big boobs, a big tummy, thick legs, flabby arms, and more than one chin.
Thirdly, and this is terrible!!!, I'M NOT ON A DIET.
This is the most awful thing a fat person can say or do. For some reason, not constantly dieting and trying to conform to society's expectations of what is an acceptable appearance (N.B. acceptable, not just desirable) makes people mad. Like full-out angry. Thin people be like:
HOW DARE YOU TRY TO BE OKAY WITH YOUR LOOKS?!?!?!
Some of you may be thinking "oh, she's exaggerating, people aren't usually that hateful or mean". Guess what? They are. So many people are. A while back, I posted a picture on Instagram of some Disney princesses, drawn to look fat. I wrote something along the lines of "When is Disney going to make movies about fat girls?". What I was aiming for is the chance for fat children to watch movies where fat people aren't constantly ridiculed and made out to be non-desirable (not in a sexy way, obvi, since I'm talking about kids' movies). I want there to be representation and recognition, for fat children to be the hero of a story for once, and not the butt of a joke.
What kind of comments do you think I received? One or two positive ones from body positive people, and then a shitload of angry, negative, hateful ones. People were saying things like "how dare you advocate against healthy behaviour", "saying that it is okay to be fat is child abuse", "this is as bad as going to schools telling children that it is good to smoke", "Disney princesses need to be able to ride horses, shoot arrows and stuff, fat people can't do that". One of the commenters was a woman who was studying to become a doctor. She was absolutely furious with me and my post, saying really mean things to me and about fat people. I also got a lot of comments from men, telling me their views on fat people. Like I asked for your fucking opinions? Douche bags.
For me, trying to be and love myself while society tells me I'm wrong is a constant struggle. I have low self-esteem, and I doubt myself and my worth on a daily basis. I try to work at my feelings of confidence and self-worth, but man, is it a steep hill or what?
I will blog more about being fat, fat shaming, body acceptance and body positivity in the future, because I have a lot to say on the subject. Now I'm off to play Skyrim, a place where I can do fantastic things that I can't do in real life, and where I am a strong, confident warrior woman!
Stay shiny people! :)
Aug 24, 2014
Tjejfilmer 1
Jag startar denna fabulösa följetong med min absoluta favorittjejfilm...
Deras vänskap går upp och ner, de bråkar, tjafsar, fikar, spelar, och gör allt sånt som (kvinnliga?) vänner gör. Det jag älskar med den här filmen är värmen, humorn, systerskapet, karaktärerna, musiken (Thåström var med och skrev den), 80-talet, Göteborgsmiljöerna (Gbg-tjej här liksom, hallå) och den äkta känslan som genomsyrar filmen, dess karaktärer och relationerna dem emellan. Ibland älskar jag karaktärerna, ibland hatar jag dem. Jag skrattar, gråter, sjunger och dansar med dem och jag njuter av varenda minut. Se den här filmen med din/a bästa vän/ner!
Tjenare kungen
Denna film, av Ulf Malmros, är FANTASTISK! Asså,
jag älskar den så himla mycket och jag blir bara så JÄVLA GLAD varje
gång jag ser den! Om jag har en dålig dag sätter jag på den och BAM!
glad igen.
Den handlar om Abra, en tjej från Billingsfors i Dalsland, som är punkare. Hon har en ganska kämpig tillvaro, dels pga att alla andra billingsforsare är hjärndöda raggare och allmänt pucko, dels pga att hon försöker starta ett punkband trots att punkeran börjar ta slut. "Fattar du inte att punken är slut innan vi ens har börjat?"
I Billingsfors tvingas hon utstå hån och attacker, både verbala och fysiska. När ett supertöntigt syntband från Göteborg spelar i byn träffar Abra Millan, en cool tjej som är med och hjälper roddarna. De börjar snacka och efter en minst sagt misslyckad spelning följer Abra med dem till Göteborg och flyttar in hos Millan (ja, det är Cissi Wallin som spelar Millan).
Abra och Millan blir vänner och startar ett band ihop - Tjenare kungen. För att bli ett riktigt band behöver de dock fler medlemmar så de annonserar i den lokala skivaffären. Efter en mängd stolpskott åker de hem till Gloria som provspelar för dem på sin synt. Abra diggar det, men Millan vägrar först ha ett jävla moderatpiano i bandet och stormar därifrån. Det löser sig och kvar återstår att få med en basist i gruppen. Till slut vågar tjejerna fråga Isa - den ascoola basisten i det pensionerade bandet Svarta Ada, som numer jobbar i skivaffären. Hon joinar dem och tillsammans rockar de fett!
Deras vänskap går upp och ner, de bråkar, tjafsar, fikar, spelar, och gör allt sånt som (kvinnliga?) vänner gör. Det jag älskar med den här filmen är värmen, humorn, systerskapet, karaktärerna, musiken (Thåström var med och skrev den), 80-talet, Göteborgsmiljöerna (Gbg-tjej här liksom, hallå) och den äkta känslan som genomsyrar filmen, dess karaktärer och relationerna dem emellan. Ibland älskar jag karaktärerna, ibland hatar jag dem. Jag skrattar, gråter, sjunger och dansar med dem och jag njuter av varenda minut. Se den här filmen med din/a bästa vän/ner!
Vad gör man inte för sina vänner...
Tjejfilmer
Mellgren och jag pratade idag om filmer som handlar om kvinnlig vänskap. Först hade vi svårt att komma på fler än en handfull titlar, men sedan lade jag ut en efterlysning på en awesome fb-grupp jag är med i, och förslagen bara forsade in. Jag tänkte att jag skulle titta på alla de filmerna (eller iaf de jag har lust med och får tag på) och sen skriva lite om dem här, några åt gången så.
Filmer om kvinnlig vänskap ligger mig varmt om hjärtat och är en väldigt viktig del av filmutbudet tycker jag. Det blir en skön motpol mot all verklighetsfrånvänd macho action och stereotypa komedier som oftast utgår från heteromännens perspektiv, gärna på bekostnad av kvinnor dessutom.
De flesta som hänger med i svängarna har nog hört talas om Bechdeltestet, som är ett enkelt test för att se hur en film framställer kvinnor, kort sagt. Det finns tre kriterier en film ska uppnå om den ska klara testet:
1. Det måste finnas minst två namngivna kvinnliga karaktärer
2. De måste någon gång under filmen prata med varandra
3. ...om något annat än män.
Simple enough, eller hur? När det nu är så jävla enkelt kan man ju undra varför så sjuuuukt många filmer inte klarar testet. Men det är en diskussion för en annan gång. Här finns för övrigt en lista med ett gäng filmer som faktiskt klarar testet. Jag blev väldigt glad av att se att ett gäng av mina absoluta favvofilmer finns med på listan (typ Tjenare kungen, Tillsammans, Tangled och Vi är bäst)! Men å andra sidan kanske det är därför jag gillar dem så mycket? En del av de filmerna ingår i den fb-insamlade listan över kvinnovänskapsfilmer jag ska ta mig igenom här, men Bechdeltestet ligger egentligen inte till grund för denna, ska vi kalla det, följeton. Det är dock en viktig måttstock för jämställdhet i filmvärlden, och därför värt att nämnas. Plus, när man fått upp ögonen för testet kan man bli smått galen på könsfördelningen i de flesta av de filmer man ser efter det. Ilska och upprördhet kan leda till förändring, so here's hoping!
Jag skriver framförallt detta för att jag tycker att så kallade "tjejfilmer" har oförtjänt dåligt rykte. Män verkar överlag ha jääävligt svårt för att kolla på sådana filmer och även jag själv kan ibland skämmas lite (pga internaliserad sexism och allt det där mysiga, ni vet), men då tar jag mig i kragen och vrålar på mig själv: VAD FAN ÄR DET DU SITTER OCH TÄNKER?!?! TJEJER ÄR BÄST, INGEN PROTEST!!!
Är du man, läser detta och älskar tjejfilmer får du gärna kommentera så att vi ser att ni existerar! Är du kvinna, läser detta och älskar tjejfilmer får du ännu mer gärna kommentera så vi kan sprida peppen! Tips på filmer och tv-serier med mycket kvinnlig vänskap mottages tacksamt! :)
Då kör vi!
Filmer om kvinnlig vänskap ligger mig varmt om hjärtat och är en väldigt viktig del av filmutbudet tycker jag. Det blir en skön motpol mot all verklighetsfrånvänd macho action och stereotypa komedier som oftast utgår från heteromännens perspektiv, gärna på bekostnad av kvinnor dessutom.
De flesta som hänger med i svängarna har nog hört talas om Bechdeltestet, som är ett enkelt test för att se hur en film framställer kvinnor, kort sagt. Det finns tre kriterier en film ska uppnå om den ska klara testet:
1. Det måste finnas minst två namngivna kvinnliga karaktärer
2. De måste någon gång under filmen prata med varandra
3. ...om något annat än män.
Simple enough, eller hur? När det nu är så jävla enkelt kan man ju undra varför så sjuuuukt många filmer inte klarar testet. Men det är en diskussion för en annan gång. Här finns för övrigt en lista med ett gäng filmer som faktiskt klarar testet. Jag blev väldigt glad av att se att ett gäng av mina absoluta favvofilmer finns med på listan (typ Tjenare kungen, Tillsammans, Tangled och Vi är bäst)! Men å andra sidan kanske det är därför jag gillar dem så mycket? En del av de filmerna ingår i den fb-insamlade listan över kvinnovänskapsfilmer jag ska ta mig igenom här, men Bechdeltestet ligger egentligen inte till grund för denna, ska vi kalla det, följeton. Det är dock en viktig måttstock för jämställdhet i filmvärlden, och därför värt att nämnas. Plus, när man fått upp ögonen för testet kan man bli smått galen på könsfördelningen i de flesta av de filmer man ser efter det. Ilska och upprördhet kan leda till förändring, so here's hoping!
Jag skriver framförallt detta för att jag tycker att så kallade "tjejfilmer" har oförtjänt dåligt rykte. Män verkar överlag ha jääävligt svårt för att kolla på sådana filmer och även jag själv kan ibland skämmas lite (pga internaliserad sexism och allt det där mysiga, ni vet), men då tar jag mig i kragen och vrålar på mig själv: VAD FAN ÄR DET DU SITTER OCH TÄNKER?!?! TJEJER ÄR BÄST, INGEN PROTEST!!!
Är du man, läser detta och älskar tjejfilmer får du gärna kommentera så att vi ser att ni existerar! Är du kvinna, läser detta och älskar tjejfilmer får du ännu mer gärna kommentera så vi kan sprida peppen! Tips på filmer och tv-serier med mycket kvinnlig vänskap mottages tacksamt! :)
Då kör vi!
Ugly selfie war
Last night, Sandra and I had a fucking blast while taking "ugly" selfies. We sent them to Ella and soon we had an "ugly" selfie war on our hands. We won though, Ella can't be as ugly as we can :)
Aug 20, 2014
Autumn longing
August is almost over and here in Gothenburg you can really tell autumn is on its way. This past week has been somewhat cold and rainy, which is normal for Gothenburg I guess, but this summer has been extremely warm and sunny, so the return back to "normal" weather has kind of taken me by surprise. It's mostly welcome by me though, since I have never been much for hot weather, but it also means we haven't gone swimming at our newfound place Ganlet for the past few weeks. I've gone swimming in the ocean (and once in a lake) several times this summer, and it's been absolutely lovely, and I JUST LOVE SWIMMING SO MUCH!! So the arrival of autumn also makes me a little sad, since it puts a stopper to my frolicking in the waves.
The cliffs at Ganlet
Ganlet is near enough to our apartment for us to ride our bikes there (takes about 15 minutes). Swedish summer is just so beautiful, especially at dusk and sunset!
However, I do love autumn in all its crispness and coziness and natural, beautiful colours! Having cold weather also makes it possible, even desirable, to put on fleece pajamas, fuzzy socks and curl up in bed with the cats, a cup of tea, and a good book, which I've been doing the past few days. I honestly can't wait for the autumn storms to begin so that I can take refreshing walks in the windy loveliness that is the Swedish west coast, and snuggle up in bed with some fika after! I love it when it's windy, because it feels...hm, difficult to explain, but it feels like I can breathe, and I feel more alive and at peace at the same time. This is why I have a hard time imagining ever living more inland, because I don't think I would be happy in a place that isn't windswept. 'Windswept' is such a lovely word...
Anywho! I'll leave you with these random musings for now...
Sasha and I in bed yesterday
Toodles!
Aug 18, 2014
Bikes and graves
Yo!
Today hasn't been terribly exciting, but still a good day. Since I am nearly broke at the moment I can't really afford to buy a new bus card, so I rode my beautiful pink bike to a sort of interview today. I signed an employment contract so now I work part time for two firms as a personal assistant. Hopefully, I will also soon start working as a tutor, and then I can be a part of our capitalist society again, yay for me...
When the meeting thingy was over, I rode my bike through Majorna - my childhood neighbourhood here in Göteborg - to Västra kyrkogården, the cemetery where my paternal grandmother rests. She died in 1975, so I have never met her, and that makes me sad. My paternal grandfather is still alive, and he is so sweet and nice and dear to me, but I still wish I could have had a relationship with my grandmother as well. I never see my maternal grandfather and I have an infected relationship with my maternal grandmother, so more grandparents in my life would have been nice. Oh well, the dead stay dead so there's nothing I can do about that.
Anyway, I went to her grave and talked to her for a while, asking forgiveness for not having visited her in so many years. Us young people are so busy with ourselves, being all lazy and selfish, that we sometimes forget about others... I told her I would try to visit her more, and that I wished I could talk to her. If I start earning money again soon, I'm thinking about going to a medium to see what happens. I don't know if I believe in psychics and all that, but I'd like to see what they can tell me and I'd like it if there's something more to life than this realm.
After saying goodbye to my grandmother Elsie, I rode home (my ass was so sore!) and actually cooked for myself! I made some fish-in-the-oven-thingy with rice - very advanced cooking for me! Now I will resume my evening of eating chocolate and watching season 3 of Buffy.
Toodles!
Today hasn't been terribly exciting, but still a good day. Since I am nearly broke at the moment I can't really afford to buy a new bus card, so I rode my beautiful pink bike to a sort of interview today. I signed an employment contract so now I work part time for two firms as a personal assistant. Hopefully, I will also soon start working as a tutor, and then I can be a part of our capitalist society again, yay for me...
When the meeting thingy was over, I rode my bike through Majorna - my childhood neighbourhood here in Göteborg - to Västra kyrkogården, the cemetery where my paternal grandmother rests. She died in 1975, so I have never met her, and that makes me sad. My paternal grandfather is still alive, and he is so sweet and nice and dear to me, but I still wish I could have had a relationship with my grandmother as well. I never see my maternal grandfather and I have an infected relationship with my maternal grandmother, so more grandparents in my life would have been nice. Oh well, the dead stay dead so there's nothing I can do about that.
Anyway, I went to her grave and talked to her for a while, asking forgiveness for not having visited her in so many years. Us young people are so busy with ourselves, being all lazy and selfish, that we sometimes forget about others... I told her I would try to visit her more, and that I wished I could talk to her. If I start earning money again soon, I'm thinking about going to a medium to see what happens. I don't know if I believe in psychics and all that, but I'd like to see what they can tell me and I'd like it if there's something more to life than this realm.
After saying goodbye to my grandmother Elsie, I rode home (my ass was so sore!) and actually cooked for myself! I made some fish-in-the-oven-thingy with rice - very advanced cooking for me! Now I will resume my evening of eating chocolate and watching season 3 of Buffy.
Toodles!
Aug 17, 2014
Oh, hello again!
Thanks to receiving a comment on a previous post I re-discovered my blog today! Looking back on the latest gap in time it is apparent to me why I didn't blog between September and March. Last September I got a job as a personal assistant to a man in a wheelchair, and I worked for him more or less full time until March. I really disliked working for him, and my quality of life definitely took a big dip, but when I stopped working for him in late March I was so happy to finally be rid of him!
However, I was so tired and just felt all blaaaaah so I stayed at home for a little over a month before I could even muster the energy to go to the employment office and begin the long and arduous journey of finding a new job. I really hate working just because that's what you're supposed to do, and I think the way we view work and money in our society today is royally fucked up.
I long for a simpler life, having a small farm and a nice house in the countryside where I live in a collective with my friends and family! Growing our own food, feeding our own animals and making sure they have a good life before we eat them, spending time in nature, living, loving, laughing in peace and happiness is all I want from life!
This is my dream lifestyle, but I have a hard time seeing it actually happening. I mean, it's definitely not impossible, it's just...hard. Maybe it will become my reality in the future, but for now I have to keep trudging in modern society to take care of myself and my little family. Btw, the little surprise I hinted at in a previous post about my kitten Misha was that we were actually adopting his brother Sasha as well! So now, we have two cats who are a little over 1 year old, and they are both a blessing and a huge pain in the ass. Some days we hate them, but most of the time we love them dearly.
However, I was so tired and just felt all blaaaaah so I stayed at home for a little over a month before I could even muster the energy to go to the employment office and begin the long and arduous journey of finding a new job. I really hate working just because that's what you're supposed to do, and I think the way we view work and money in our society today is royally fucked up.
I long for a simpler life, having a small farm and a nice house in the countryside where I live in a collective with my friends and family! Growing our own food, feeding our own animals and making sure they have a good life before we eat them, spending time in nature, living, loving, laughing in peace and happiness is all I want from life!
This is my dream lifestyle, but I have a hard time seeing it actually happening. I mean, it's definitely not impossible, it's just...hard. Maybe it will become my reality in the future, but for now I have to keep trudging in modern society to take care of myself and my little family. Btw, the little surprise I hinted at in a previous post about my kitten Misha was that we were actually adopting his brother Sasha as well! So now, we have two cats who are a little over 1 year old, and they are both a blessing and a huge pain in the ass. Some days we hate them, but most of the time we love them dearly.
Misha and Sasha
Misha
Misha and Sasha as kittens, adorable!
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